Wait - I'M the Mommy?

I recently attended a parenting seminar.

There - I said it. I'm one of THOSE parents. Yes, the kind of parent for whom the crazy, off-the-cuff, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants nature of parenting doesn't sit well. I need structure. I need to know I'm doing an OK job. I need rules. So I read books and I seek out advice and I go to parenting lectures.

Last year, while on mat leave, I picked up the book Breaking the Good Mom Myth from the library and I liked it so much I bought the author's next book Honey I Wrecked The Kids. Then, a few weeks ago, when I found out the author was hosting a speaking engagement for one of her compatriots, I bought my $10 ticket and made a night of it.

It's a sad reflection on my social life to say that I had a great time and it was not only informative but entertaining, but there you have it.

The best part of the night, in fact, came during the Q&A section. One parent had asked about how to deal with your kid when they demand something and you say no - her example was when you're at the mall trying to run errands and the kid flips out because you deny them a much desired ice cream. After the speaker gave her answer - the usual spiel about standing your ground and not giving in, blah, blah, blah - a woman popped up from the middle of the room.

"But, sometimes I DO want to buy ice cream. How do I deal with that?" she asked.

I was so relieved there was someone out there like me. The parent who doesn't quite feel grown up. The parent who sometimes wants ice cream and who - despite needing them desperately, out of exhaustion and frustration and oh-your-God-just-be-quietness - sometimes flouts the rules.

When you're a kid your parents seem to have it so together - they pay the bills, they make the rules. And yet here I am paying the bills, making the rules and half the time I don't really feel like a grown up. You mean, I'M the mom? When did that happen?

I always assumed that because I saw them as adults my parents felt like adults. But maybe they didn't feel any differently than I do now - a grown up teenager somehow faking their way through adulthood. This coming from someone who is supposed to be guiding another human being through life. What an utterly terrifying thought.